then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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