I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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