2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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