dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
