I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
