I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
