I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
