My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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