so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
where does the pee come out of this thing
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
