so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
