i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
