did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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