Ambien. No doubt about it.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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