I wish life had little blips of pornography
Four minutes until I can fart!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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