When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
