I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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