you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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