I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
