why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
