I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize