I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
