i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
