Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
