I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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