I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
