K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
