a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize