I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
