At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I will pee on everything he values.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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