This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
