I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
why do cheetos always look like penises
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
