sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
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