Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We need a shit load of segways right now
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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