The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
