i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
