When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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