Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
