Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
