remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
