When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
