Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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