I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
