unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
God, you're like boner-b-gone
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
