Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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