I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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