My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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