The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
