I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
