Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
