$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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