So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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