my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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