Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
