The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
