I think I died a long time ago.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
