do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
