How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
