the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
