I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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